She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
