got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
