The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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