I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
