So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
