I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
