at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
