I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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