Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
