Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
