I don't usually arrange sex via text message
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
