Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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