I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
