Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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