I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
