I want to have your abortion
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
