On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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