Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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