and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
