When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
