you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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