She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
