Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
