I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
The Olympian is in my bed
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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