I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Randomize
