And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
