um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
