she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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