Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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