im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
