Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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