I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
