The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
