The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
