I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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