You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
