I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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