mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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