WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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