ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
