hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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