Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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