omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
