So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
