i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
