Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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