At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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