you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
