yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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