Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
