This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
