You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
