So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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