Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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