i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
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she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize