I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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