I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
